When I gave birth to my son, I not only became a mother, but a mother without a mother. At the age of 55 my mother died of breast cancer. It was an aggressive strain, and after living cancer-free for more than 20 years, it returned spreading aggressively to her lungs and then her brain. After the double mastectomy we thought for sure it was the end of the cancer. Only for the cancer to return a year later taking her life and mine too soon. Losing your mother when you are becoming a mother can feel like your compass is gone; lost. Grief can be a constant trigger. I had to learn to redirect my mind.

I have my moments where I am mourning all what might have been with her. Watching my child grow I am suddenly in the role of who I need the most but who is no longer around. Grief has a way of reminding me of all the questions I didn’t get to ask. Questions about the symptoms I’m feeling or how she felt at __ weeks pregnant. Or what her delivery experience was like in comparison to mine.  I’ll never get to have those conversations but despite the unknowing, pain has a way of leading to transformation. 

Through motherhood I transformed from a wounded daughter into a healing mother. I made the choice to be a happy mother and I wanted to be greater than my grief. I tapped into all the great mother energy around me – those with children and those without. From my mother in law, great-grandma, my sister, even ChiChi – my female bulldog, some friends and co-workers and my doula, I had all this great maternal energy to tap into. I absorbed it all. I honored their wisdom, while at the same time I created a space for my own mothering to grow. Some people do certain things in their family because their mom did it. Well when it comes to mothering without a mother, I didn’t have that so instead I chose to see the beauty in creating new family traditions.